|
 101
Reasons
to Get a Job /
Signs
you need to get a job |
|
1 |
It
would break up that nasty boring period between naps |
|
2 |
Less time to get in trouble for viewing porn |
|
3 |
More time to view porn while getting paid |
|
4 |
You've always wanted to say "You can't fire me! I quit!" |
|
5 |
If
you get a job, you get paid |
|
6 |
If
you get paid, you have money |
|
7 |
If
you have money, you can buy things |
|
8 |
If
you're working, you don't have any time to enjoy things, so you end up NOT
buying things, and then you end up saving a whole lot of money that you
won't spend, and then you save up EVEN MORE money, and then you die and
leave your children all kinds of cash and they love you until THEY die. Now,
who doesn't want THAT to happen? |
|
9 |
A
job would keep your mind from going to that dark, dark place... |
|
10 |
It
gives you something to talk about |
|
11 |
It
will take away from all that spare time spent contemplating sheep-sex |
|
12 |
Two
Words: Interoffice Relationships |
|
13 |
A
few more words: Desk-top Tango |
|
14 |
If
you don't have a boss, you can only hate your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend |
|
15 |
Your parents have finally decided to get the drug sniffing dog |
|
16 |
You
realized you really CAN'T play the drums |
|
17 |
You
figured out the term "Starving Artist" really had a literal meaning |
|
18 |
Gives you an alibi when your ex gets axed |
|
19 |
Oh...a JOB...like work? I thought you meant job....like...blow....I don't
know. Who would want to work? |
|
20 |
You've settled for eating Spam |
|
21 |
You've settled for eating your pet's food |
|
22 |
You've finally eaten your pet |
|
23 |
Your ass is revolting against your computer chair |
|
24 |
The
chair is winning |
|
25 |
eBay is no longer taking food stamps |
|
26 |
Your welfare check bounced |
|
27 |
When the girl you meet at the bar asks what you do for a living, and you say
"Unemployment", your odds have just decreased dramatically |
|
28 |
Your little sister wants her room back |
|
29 |
Your wife wants her room back |
|
30 |
Your cleaning lady now works for...favors.... |
|
31 |
Judge Judy just isn't as stimulating as it once was |
|
32 |
You've gotten to the point where you keep statistics on Solitaire |
|
33 |
The
folks at Blockbuster Video know your name, address, and ask YOU for advice
on what movies to watch |
|
34 |
Public nudity every time you need someplace to sleep is just getting old |
|
35 |
A
sudden realization: beer isn't free |
|
36 |
Even your dog thinks your lazy |
|
37 |
Masturbating loses it's fun after the third time each day |
|
38 |
Okay, so no it doesn't, but the hand cramps aren't really worth it |
|
39 |
Okay, so they are, but all the magazines are sticking together, and you
don't have the money to buy new ones |
|
40 |
Writing "Self-Employed Laziness Awareness Guide" on credit applications as
employment status isn't working too well. |
|
41 |
When you had a job? Tommy Hilfiger. Without a job? Blue light special. |
|
42 |
Without a job life is meaningless |
|
43 |
The
bums at the soup kitchen keep telling you to get off your ass and do
something |
|
44 |
Laying around all day is way overrated |
|
45 |
You
need a reason to shave other than to keep the flies away |
|
46 |
You're closest friends? DitzEBlonde419 and BobSquarePnts86 |
|
47 |
You've exhausted all other reasons for getting out of bed |
|
48 |
Come to terms with it. Start dealing with it: you're NOT going to win the
Publishers Clearing House |
|
49 |
You're also not going to win the lotto |
|
50 |
If
you do happen to win either of them, do you want to get on tv and say "Well,
I haven't done much besides eating Cheetos for the last six months, so I
really think I deserved this" |
|
51 |
You
have the time to WRITE a 101 list |
|
52 |
You've gotten to the point where you forget what kind of car you drive |
|
53 |
You
not only don't know the date, you forget what season it is |
|
54 |
Daydreams have taken on a "3-D movie theatre experience" feel, where after
your done thinking about that cute little checkout girl at the grocery
store, you have to go back to the tissue isle and buy a box, but you have to
open it before you get back to the line and use it, and then the cops show
up and...What? Like it's never happened to you? |
|
55 |
Microwave lunches have made it into your Food Pyramid |
|
56 |
It's to the point where you've learned to enjoy the 4 a.m. infomercials |
|
57 |
You've actually considered buying the items but lack the funds necessary |
|
58 |
You're using infomercials as an excuse to get a job. "How can I ever buy the
Super Turbo Twist if I don't get a job and make some money?" |
|
59 |
Getting a job would stop those ugly rumors that you aren't really good at
anything |
|
60 |
It
will also give you an excuse not to finish that book you're writing |
|
61 |
You've finally maxed out all of your Sims games. There is no space left |
|
62 |
You
also realize that every "jobless bum" character you've created has died, and
start getting the hint |
|
63 |
In
an effort to instill motivation in you, your spouse has started charging for
sex |
|
64 |
That didn't work and she started charging the NEIGHBORS for sex to cover
your half of the bills |
|
65 |
That didn't work and she's now moved on to your family members who are
apparently much more generous with the money |
|
66 |
Your dad retired and now has just oh-so-much free time to make up for all
those "lost years" |
|
67 |
You've finally made the decision that, No, you're really not gonna go back
to college, no matter what you said when you graduated high-school. That was
just a ploy to get your mother off your back. |
|
68 |
101? That's a long list. You're still reading? Get a job. I'm serious this
time |
|
69 |
It's tough to score at the bar when you pay for your booze with food stamps |
|
70 |
You've finally exhausted the "Free Trial Period" for every single porn site
on the web |
|
71 |
You
have now gotten to the point where you believe showering is overrated |
|
72 |
So
is changing your underwear. Who are we trying to impress, anyway? |
|
73 |
You
laugh as you watch people go to work in the morning, then cry after they're
gone |
|
74 |
You've finally realized your career as a circus midget will never come to
pass since...well...not only do you not have any experience, but you're not
a midget |
|
75 |
You
have a great emptiness in your life...it's called a 'bank account' |
|
76 |
The
neighborhood watch committe has nominated you for 24 hour duty |
|
77 |
You
realize that you could still peep on the lady across the street at midnight
even with a job. Hell, there's the best reason on the list! You don't even
have to give anything up with this one. So go on now. Get a job |
|
78 |
Despite the fact that the world is an uncommonly cruel and brutal place,
those damn administrators at your old high-school won't re-admit a 23 year
old that has already graduated. Rat bastards |
|
79 |
People no longer believe that story you gave them regarding your "religious
reasons" for not getting a job |
|
80 |
Who
can blame them? With your free time you've constructed an Ozzy Osbourne
statue and tribute out of potatoes in your living room |
|
81 |
TV
Guide? Ha, you can name every show, what day and what time it's on... |
|
82 |
...in alphabetical order OR reverse alphabetical order... |
|
83 |
...and that's your sole accomplishment in the last 8 months |
|
84 |
You've finally found 101 uses for Silly Putty...but that list is yet to
come.... |
|
85 |
No
longer have friends because every last one of them is jealous that you sit
on your butt all day, every day |
|
86 |
You
don't think you need friends because you have AOL and can chat all you want
anytime you want |
|
87 |
You
don't think you need friends because you have a Playstation 2, so you can
get more friends ANY TIME YOU WANT! *sniff sniff* |
|
88 |
"All play and no work makes Jack a poor boy" just doesn't have the right
ring to it |
|
89 |
Being a stay at home mom was so much better before the kids learned how to
talk |
|
90 |
"Career Student" just doesn't have the same ring to it since you didn't go
to ONE class last semester |
|
91 |
Hugh Hefner thinks you're just a little too laid back |
|
92 |
Mail no longer comes addressed to you. It comes addressed to "The Jobless
Guy" |
|
93 |
If
you don't get a job, you can't spend money. If you don't spend money,
companies lose money. If those companies lose money, they have to start
laying people off, and if they lay people off, THOSE people won't be
spending money, and then the stores lose too much money and have to close
down, and people won't be able to get toiletries and those little Santa
statuettes, and then the people will get angry and the country will be in a
depression, and then the people will revolt against a government that just
let us do it to ourselves, and pretty soon everybody is up in arms against
the system and while we're all fighting amongst eachother, Russia will seize
it's opportunity to come and take us over, and then we'll all be forced to
wear those stupid little fuzzy hats and hang big red flags in our yard and
all drive red cars because we will all become communists and then you'll
have to get a job anyway SO WHY NOT SAVE US ALL SOME TIME AND TROUBLE AND
GET A JOB NOW! |
|
94 |
You
actually had time to think of 93 |
|
95 |
Or
you actually thought I made a valid point with 93 |
|
96 |
You've located and logged 1,045,945 websites that are on your "everybody
should go here" list |
|
97 |
You
get all of your news updates from the guys down at the welfare office |
|
98 |
You
actually know the names of the other people down the welfare office... and
they think you're too lazy |
|
99 |
You've finally figured out that crime doesn't pay...unless you become a
corporate CEO, but that requires getting a job first |
|
100 |
You
decide that getting a job is the only way to SHUT THOSE DAMN VOICES UP!!!!!! |
|
101 |
I've already named a hundred reasons, do you really need one more? Really?
Do you? That's just sad. It really is. If you've got enough time on your
hands to be petty about one little stinkin' reason then...hey wait...THAT'S
IT! |
