FEBRUARY
(scroll down to find the answer to your question!)
(or go to the January question archive for more...)
Dear Miah,
I have a question for you. I was looking at the back of a jar of honey. It said in bright red letters "Warning: Do not feed honey to infants under one year of age." Why?
Sincerely, (no name given)
There is a very important reason not to feed your infant honey. It can cause botulism. For those that don’t know, botulism comes in three forms- food-borne, wound and infant botulism. Infant botulism is the kind we are concerned with. Symptoms of infant botulism include lethargy, poor feeding, constipation, a weak cry, and poor muscle tone. If untreated, botulism leads to paralysis of the legs, arms, torso, and finally, the respiratory system, which causes death. What does this have to do with honey? Well, honey - as well as common soil and dust- has been known to carry spores of Clostridium botulinum and, when ingested by an infant, these spores begin to grow in the child’s intestines and release the toxins that cause the paralysis. After a year, though, the infant’s immune system has grown strong enough to withstand infant botulism and the honey is safe fore consumption. For those of you who may think this is a joke, it is not. MIAH
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"Your
place or mine?"
Hmmm. The Smartest Man Alive doesn’t know whether to take offense at Betty’s question or not. Was I just called a boy? Well, the copyright goes The Smartest MAN AliveÔ so at least I have that to validate my manhood. But, my real job is to answer questions. Dan is quick to remind me of this every time he lashes my back with his whip. So, I’ll answer questions. And, Betty, you seem to have two. Here’s how I divide them up.
1) Why won’t men be honest with their partners and share their true feelings regarding their relationship?
2) Why do men withdraw and grow anxious when their partners share their own feeling regarding their relationship?
Let’s begin with question one. Now, what we are dealing with here is “a failure to communicate.” The woman wants the man to share his feelings and the man does not want to share. One answer to this problem could be the inherent differences in communication styles of the two genders. Men and women do not communicate similarly, generally speaking. Men do not disclose personal information as often as females, if they do at all. Women, on the other hand, are able to share their feelings and not feel the same sort of restrictions. Why so? Well, this goes back to gender socialization. Something that starts as soon as the sex of an unborn or newly-born child is known. Immediately, parents begin to buy their children gender specific toys. Boys get things that are blue and their toys have an emphasis on things outside the home, like trucks or action figures. Girls get pink things and their toys usually have an interior focus, like tea sets and dollhouses. From our first days, we are set on gender paths that are very hard to break out of. So, basically, you are asking a guy to break a habit of communication that he has learned throughout his life and is reinforced daily by his conversations with others. This is a hard thing to overcome for some men. (Watch and listen as a man and woman talk if you want to see some of this in play. The woman will keep her eyes on the man, trying to make eye contact but the man will turn away. She’ll continue staring at the side of his head. The man will interrupt more often and the woman will usually wait. It is really entertaining.) Now, I’m hoping you can see how the second question ties into this one. When women share their feelings with men, the men know they are expecting something in return. Some sort of response that either shows that the man shares similar emotions or that he wishes the relationship to end. As we learned above, men don’t share and because they know they are expected to share, they grow nervous. They are being asked to venture into territory they rarely tread. So, there is a catch-all for this behavior- gender differences in communication.
Another reason men may grow nervous might be inherent biological differences that effect our behavior, speaking from an evolutionary perspective. Now, from this evolutionary perspective, the most paramount need of all beings is to reproduce- to pass on our genes. The most advantageous way to do this varies for each sex. A woman requires a man to be with her. She spends nine months in labor, nine months during which she is unable to care for herself at the best of her abilities. Then, after the birth, she needs the protection and security a partner affords- particularly, money to care for her and her child. It is in her best interest to provide for her child as best she can because she only has so many eggs and can only have so many births- that take 9 months- before she reaches a certain age. Men, though, are quite the opposite. Their care for the child’s need is less than that of the mother. It is relatively easy for them to go out and knock somebody else up. They increase their vested interest in the gene pool by going out and having as much sex as possible. And, men are able to do this up until a much older age then most women. This might make them wary of any relationship in which they are tied to one person, making them have a ‘panic attack.’
Now, based on your complaints, you are equating this behavior with boys. Unable to grow out of this shows an inability to reach a certain level of maturity. Do I agree with this? Yes and no. I do not believe the man is wholly to blame for his actions. He is just doing what he has been taught to do. He is a typical man. But, being typical is not enough in a relationship. Long ago, I answered a question about relationships and stated that each partner has certain responsibilities. Chief among those is to share and be responsive to each other, giving and taking. (I hate to write like this…) This is something men’s typical socialization does not allow. Yet, we are humans, after all, not animals, and should have the abilities to recognize and work through any burdens society or evolution places on us. That is what makes us unique in the world. The above explanations are merely theory, not gospel. Even if there is a shred of truth in them, it is not something that would make us horrible partners. There are exceptions to every rule and, in this case, that is something we should become. An exception. The failure comes when you realize your shortcomings and, then, do nothing to fix them. Most people just do not realize their inadequacies, despite the fact that we are our own worst critics. To be honest, I am amazed the human race is still around with all the problems men and women have. How we have been able to reproduce despite these things is beyond me. I guess that is where love comes in. Anyway, there has got to be a time when men reach a point in their lives when they can meet these responsibilities. Unfortunately, it is not at the same age women seem to reach it. I believe, on average, women’s first marriages come a few years before a man’s first marriage. Last I heard, it was about 24 for females and 26 for males. If you use this as a sign of “maturity” you can see that males lag. As a sidenote, this age has increased significantly in the past 30 years and may be a sign of the extension of adolescence, so we are now being ‘boys’ longer than ever before.
Now, for your complaints about Edge. I know there wasn’t a question there but I want to respond. Edge states that he is 23 in his article, a few years below the age of first marriage for most males. So, he is either in over his head or advanced for his age. His article leans to the former over the latter. It is hard to make any straight conclusions because we only have Edge’s side of the story, but it seems that his girlfriend was forcing him to get married. We only have Edge’s story to verify the truth. Throughout the rest of the article, Edge is in a haze, complying with the wishes of his girlfriend with little thought. At some point, though, Edge should have spoken up. But, assuming he was stunned by the request, he is not totally to blame. His girlfriend should have picked up on his indecision instead of rushing him to the jeweler. If he is truly against the marriage, he will let his girlfriend know. And if he shows any outward signs of hesitation with the whole thing, his girlfriend should, hopefully, notice. Otherwise, I see both of them being pretty miserable. And, as for the fact that his girlfriend supported him throughout his soul search, that is something she did herself, maybe even through an agreement they had. It does not entitle her to the right to ask him for a ring. If anything, that should be a sign of the degree of commitment she has towards Edge, something he should notice and is, hopefully, not taking advantage of. It should strengthen their relationship, yes, but not immediately guarantee marriage. That should come at a point when they are both ready, if it comes at all.
