JANUARY
(scroll down to find the answer to your question!)

Dear Miah,

 Where do hamsters come from? Is there a place they run wild? They are cute, fuzzy and $6.00. Where can I find them in their natural habitat?

Sincerely, Dan.

                 Wild hamsters are found on three continents-Africa, Europe and Asia.. Despite the fact that they all belong  in the cricetidae family, the species that compromise the fourteen known types of hamsters vary widely, highly dependent on their native habitat. I will go into those four variations below.

                This first variation of hamster is the European or Wood-Lugger hamster. While not much larger than the common household hamster in body size, their teeth have been known to measure two to three times the size of their domesticated cousins’ incisors. This makes them particularly adept at chewing wood, which the wood-lugger hamster does with unparalleled skill. They also make homes of wood, quite similar to the ones constructed by beavers in most cases. The hamsters’ homes, though, house many little hamsters, all working to slowly increase the size of their burrow. One hamster burrow was found to be nearly 50 yards in length and 10 yards in width. It was guessed that nearly 10,000 wood-lugging hamsters lived in this colony, all chomping wood with their unequaled front teeth.  Domestication of these hamsters has been moderately successful. In one case, an old woman named Edith Hamlich brought a wounded wood-lugger hamster home. It healed welled and the lady decided to keep it as a pet. But the hamster managed to escape. A crestfallen Edith gave up all hope of finding the hamster after an extensive search. To her surprise, the hamster had made its way out of her house and began its own home in her backyard. A week later the little hamster’s home was built and it turned out to be an exact replica of Edith’s house. The hamster is currently building extensions to create room for its growing family.

The Wood-Lugger Hamster easily gnaws through the steel bars of it's cage and comes for your sleeping children...

                The second variation of hamster is the Chinese-Dwarf hamster. These hamsters are much smaller than the common household hamster, nearly half the size. Interestingly enough, though, they are able to spend extensive amounts of time on their hind legs, walking erect. This makes them particularly attractive to carnival and circus owners, who use the hamster’s “cuteness” to bring children to their events. One circus owner has a cadre of over 50 hamsters. He has taught them to march in unison, run in patterns, and play a mock game of baseball. Cries of “they’re just like people, isn’t it cute!” are often heard at these events. In the wild, the hamsters are usually found near mountain bases. They build homes of piled rocks, which only the Chinese-Dwarf is able to do. Walking erect, a group of four hamsters have been known to lift heavy rocks over their heads and carry them expansive distances. Industrious Chinese-Dwarf hamster groups often cause land slides, closing down stretches of highways for weeks and demolishing their burgeoning hamster communities.

                The third variation comes from middle-eastern deserts and is known as the Sand-Slider. These hamsters are known to slide down the walls of sand dunes in large groups on their bellies. Once they reach the bottom of the dunes, they dig deep into the sandy earth until they find water. They drink their fill and then begin the exhausting journey back to the top of the sand dune for another slide. Their desert hardiness has given them the respect of many of the nomadic tribes in the area. Whenever members of these tribes happen upon a sliding hamster, they watch quietly, waiting for the hamster to descend to the bottom of the dune and begin its ascent. They then swoop in on the unearthed water source. One tribe even follows a large group of hamsters across the desert, living off of straggling hamsters and the water they find. Attempts to domesticate these hamsters have been mixed. Occasionally, they will die of thirst and exhaustion as they try futilely to dig for water in their cages. Designing a cage with this in mind has proven somewhat successful and the hamsters have been known to live for some time in a cage. This existence, though, is quite lackluster, as the hamsters are quite heartbroken, unable to make the slides they find so enjoyable.

Cute and fuzzy my ass

                The last hamster variation, the African hamster is hardly a hamster at all. They grow to nearly twice the size of domesticated hamsters with equal incisor growth. They roam in packs, scowering the plains of Africa for nuts, seeds and berries. While this may seem nice enough, the African hamster has been known to have a particularly nasty mean streak. The usual objects of this hatred are unsuspecting giraffes. A pack of hamsters have been known to bring down a large giraffe within a minute, tearing and rendering flesh as they swarm over the unfortunate creature. These hamsters also attack gazelles and zebras as well, but never with the same ferocity. Leading zoologist suspect that this hamster rage comes from a sort of jealousy, a “hamster Napolean complex” if you will. The African hamster is very ashamed of its short stubby legs. When it sees the giraffe with its long legs, it is filled with bloodlust and wants nothing but to kill the creature that makes it feel so tiny. For this reason, domesticating this hamster has been nothing but failure. When it sees its human captor with his/her long legs, it begins bashing its head against its cage in an attempt to get to this person. This ends with the hamster falling into a pile and dying, its skull crushed.

Giraffe: "Awwww Shit!"

Wild African Hamster Pack brings down a giraffe

Dear Miah,

I don't know what to ask you!... Do you really work?

Sincerely, N/A 

That depends on how you define work.

1. Do I get paid to write these articles? No, I do not. Perhaps I should speak to the editor about that.
2. Do I do something? Yes, I write these articles so I am doing some work.
3. Regarding physics, Work = Force x Distance. Every time I press a key, I exert a force of, say, 1.5 newtons and move my fingers about .002 meters so I do about .003 Joules of work every time I press a key on the keyboard.
4. Or do I really work in a similar manner that someone would ask if those hair removal gels on late night infomercials work? Well, I answer the questions sent to me but have yet to get any response on the effectiveness to my answers. And, since it’s a given that people don’t complain when they are satisfied, I am going to go with yes.

5. 

Miah kicks back

Dear Miah,

        What causes people to get depressed when there is nothing really to be sad about?

        Sincerely, Dave

Since you said, “when there is nothing to be sad about,” I am going to assume you have attempted to find a source for your depression. That search, though, has been fruitless. With that said, understand, Dave, that there are a number of explanations. Far too many for me to describe them all, so I’ll explain a few that may be of help.

A Psychodynamic Solution or “How does that make you feel?”- This is the approach to psychology pioneered by Sigmund Freud. Depression, according to Freud, is a defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are actions used by the mind to reduce the number of wishes, drives, thoughts, etc. that may be harmful to a being. Here, the mind has chosen the lesser of two evils.  Depression, you see, serves to prevent an acting out of intense hatred toward a love object that has been lost. But, guilt concurrently rises within the person with the anger. This overwhelming guilt turns the anger inward, directs it toward the self. Thus, we have depression and all the self-hatred and despair that accompanies it.

In this sense, it’s not that you are sad, it’s that you are angry and you are unable to act out this anger. That’s how you feel.

A Sociocultural Solution or “Blame society.” – It has been found that traditional cultures have much lower rates of depression than more technologically advanced cultures. For example, depression is non existent among the Kaluli tribe of New Guinea. What occurs in more advanced cultures is a breaking down of support systems in a society dominated by change. People move away from their families as they age, find new jobs, etc.  Moreover, the families in more traditional societies are often much larger, including kin that rarely live in the same household or even the same city in advanced societies like grandparents, aunts and uncles.

This basically means that due to the constant change in our lives, we are either unwilling or unable to develop the relationships we need to properly release our emotions. But, hey, I’ve got a bitching plasma screen TV with component outlets and picture in picture, right?

A Biological Solution or “My body’s all out of whack!” One biological explanation describes depression as a lag in circadian rhythms. Circadian rhythms are the biological process that take about 24 hours, like the awake-sleep cycle. During the day, a person with lagged circadian rhythms feels like they would during the night i.e. lethargic and slowed. One way to deal with this is to increase sunlight – particularly UV light- in the morning to advance those circadian rhythms.

So get more sun!

Depression is a part of the human experience. If we were incapable of grief, all of Shakespeare’s tragedies would probably really suck. They wouldn’t even be tragedies at all. It is when the grief becomes so overwhelming it interferes with our life and even might make us want to “snuff it,” to quote little Alex, that it becomes a problem. If these explanations aren’t good enough, there are people who will listen and help and not all of them require payment like, say, a crisis intervention line.

"uhhh"

Dear Miah,

I was at the supermarket the other day when I noticed one of the cans of refried beans I was looking to purchase held on it's label a "call out" if you will, that stated "98% Fat free." I checked on the back of the label and it stated that there was still 2.5 grams of fat left in the can, which was one serving. My question is this, Why is 98% of the fat free, and 2% a whopping 1.17$ You mean to tell me the can of beans with none of the fat free is 68.45$ This is rural road robbery- Sincerely, Darious Griego

Dear_Miah,

How can a guy tell if he has lost his virginity? I was at a party and drunk off of my ass and some chick was all over me. I think I passed out... I can't tell if I layed her or not. Can you help?

Sincerely, Layed up

There is a simple way, created by me and endorsed by the American Medical Association, or the AMA. Now, follow these simple steps. 1) Bend over, 2)Using your finger of choice- the AMA recommends the pinky but never the thumb- insert it into your anus until you meet the prostate, 3) massage it until you realize you’re an idiot! Do you think The Smartest Man Alive is a fool?! I should kick you in the mouth for asking such a ridiculous question. Check this out, you moron.  It’s laid not, layed! Or you could have asked, “Did I lay her?”  It’s simple- if you want an educated response ask an educated question in an educated manner. I hope bad things happen to you….

                But, The Smartest Man Alive is here to enlighten all, even you, “Layed Up.” Now, there are some methods you can use, not scientifically endorsed, but said to work none the less. These were invented in Africa to prevent the transmission of STD’s, where AIDS is a very serious problem. Test 1: Now, the first test assumes you are uncircumcised. If so, you should have a “hymen” that goes between the foreskin and penis itself. This hymen makes it more difficult to pull the foreskin back if you are a virgin and is all together gone if you are not. Test 2: This test involves a certain vein that affects urination. If a man urinates straight up into the air, he is a virgin. If not, he has been “layed.” Test 3: The last test is based on the color of a man’s knees. If they are dark, then the man is not a virgin.

                If these do not help, then consider hypnosis. Perhaps that would help you remember the night you have forgotten.