DECEMBER

Dear Miah,

 What was the greatest football game ever played?

Sincerely: Robert

That distinction belongs to the December 28, 1958 championship game between the then Baltimore Colts(lead by the recently deceased Johnny Unitas) and the New York Giants. With 90 seconds to game in the game, Unitas completed four passes to get his team into field goal range. Kicker Steve Myhra then made the field goal which tied the score at 17-17. The game when into sudden death, the first pro football championship game to do so. The giants won the toss in OT, elected to receive, but where not able to mount any offense and had to punt. The Colts took over at their own 20 and Unitas went to work getting his team down to New York’s 3 yard line where, in the eight minute of OT, running back Alan Ameche plunged into the endzone for the 23-17 Colts victory. This amazing game was responsible for bringing football to the masses, making it as popular as it is today.

"Hooooooooo Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!"

Dear Miah, how cold does it have to be for it to snow? Sincerely: ~Me~

 Dear Miah, how cold does it have to be to snow? Sincerely: Celina

The simple answer: below 0°Celsius, 32°Farenheit, or 273.15°Kelvin, the freezing point. But there are no easy answers, which I am sure both of you, ~Me~ and Celina, already know. 

You see, snow falls from very high up. That is why it hits you on top of the head instead of the bottom of your chin. And temperature tends to vary based on elevation.  That is why it will sometimes snow at the peaks of mountains and not their bases. And clouds are very, very high up, you see, so they tend to be much, much colder than where you are at. Snow begins in these clouds whose temperatures are below freezing as ice crystals and supercooled water droplets. Then, through a process called accretion, snowflakes are formed as the ice crystals attract the supercooled droplets.  When they get too, too heavy for the cloud to support, they fall as snow. Now, this is where it gets tricky.

 If the temperature remains below freezing as they drop to the surface, the snowflakes continue to fall as snow. But if it is not below freezing, they melt and fall as sleet. So you could say it was snowing when sleet is falling because, technically, before it melts it leaves the cloud as snow. Or, since it is part sleet and part snow, you could say it is slowing. But, since that is already a word, you could say it is sneeting. Or, rather, you could… aww, forget it, go back to the simple answer!

"Awww Shiiit." -Frosty

Dear Miah,

I have been looking for a meaningful relationship for a very long time. I have been to several bars and have always ended up going home empty handed. My best friend who is female says that I am very attractive. But, I have been very interested in her for a very long time. Every time I try to advance my relationship with her, she begins to act weird. Once she told me "I was not her type." I don't get how she can say that I'm attractive and not be interested with me.  

Sincerely: Cupid-Stupid 

I am going to make some assumptions:

1) You are in your twenties, at least- based on the fact you have been to many bars… 

2) Your best friend means it when she says you’re not her type- if not, she might be afraid to give up the security she has in your present relationship,

3) You are actually attractive and you’re friend is not just being kind, and

4) You actually are stupid. 

Lucky for you, stupid is fixable and you’ve come to the right place. Let me point out some of your errors.

You say, “I have been looking for a meaningful relationship for a very long time.” As they say in Japan, “Batsu!*”

You do not look for a relationship. You create it. It takes time and effort; it doesn’t fall into your lap like the innards of a well stuffed burrito. Takes even longer if you want it to be meaningful. I’m assuming that you at least sub-consciously understand this and that is why you wish to be with your best friend. You have already put a shit-load of effort into one relationship, why start another? This is a bad choice, for many reasons, one of which is below. As for your hunting grounds, people going to bars are not looking for relationships. They want liquor and sex. I do not know what lines you use but I am going to assume they come off as needy and altogether pathetic. Look somewhere else for love- personal ads, bookstores, supermarkets, nursing homes, swap meets- not bars.

As for developing a deeper relationship with your best friend, once again, “Batsu!”* You have attempted to take your relationship to that next level multiple times and she has declined your advances. Listen to her. She obviously does not want to go there. Unfortunately for you, relationships are built upon much more than just attraction, chief among which is reciprocity. This is the lifeblood of a relationship, something an adult like yourself must understand. Not only must you give to the other person, you must be given something in return. And this giving must be accepted and warmly received. Without this, both members of the relationship will be unfulfilled. You have made me write like Cameron and for that I despise you, Mr. Stupid. But understand that any relationship you may have with your unwilling best friend would be shallow and empty and probably ruin your friendship. It would not be, as you put it, a “meaningful relationship.” Look somewhere else and, once again, not bars.

It is an uphill battle, this relationship business, filled with slow and plodding progress. The end results, though, are worth the struggle, or so I hear. I’m not willing to make the effort. Keep at it, though, Cupid-Stupid, if you really want it. No one said it was easy. 

(editors note: *^{“Batsu” is a Japanese word signifying an incorrect or wrong response, usually written as a large “X”)}

               I began my in depth search with a simple question, what is the purpose of hair? The first people I consulted where the Hair Loss Pharmacy. According to them, the evolutionary purpose of hair was to protect against the elements. Nothing new there. This purpose, though, has been pretty much done away with as clothing and hats are readily available. Hair, then, is not needed to regulate body temperature. Minus one point for armpit hair. But, if no hair is needed, why have armpit hair at all?                     

pitt                            pit

One interesting aspect of the armpit is that it is relatively protected from the elements. Unless you walk like a gorilla, your arms will spend most of their time at your side, rarely adventuring up and out. With all this protection, do our armpits need hair to increase warmth? The answer is, no. Then armpit hair must serve other purposes. One reason proposed for pit hair on the Self-Service Science Forum was to decrease chafing in the underarm area. This seems plausible. Less skin on skin equals less chafing. Plus one point for armpit hair.

                As I dug deeper, I found a more interesting reason for armpit hair: to trap pheromones to aid in the attraction of mates. This was interesting. All the skinny teens at the public pool too embarrassed to take off their shirts because of the sprouting hair under their arms were actually attracting the opposite sex. Hmmmm, I could give one point to “sexy” armpit hair. As it is, pheromones are emitted from apocrine glands, which are centered around the nipples, the groin area and the armpits.  The problem with this, though, is that pheromones are received via the nose and few will say that the smell that emanates from the armpits is erotic. This reek is more likely to turn a person off then turn them on, at least on a conscious level. And I do not see women jumping all over the sweaty guy who fixes their sink. Humans are supposed to be more rational than this. Something is amiss.

                Edward Miller in Mate Attraction or Mate Confirmation: the Evolutionary Role of Pheromones states that to be attracted to pheromones alone would be counterproductive. Now to delve into a little bit of evolutionary psychology. According to this view, women chose men who possess good genes and are able to provide them with protection. To choose a mate based on scent would go against this reasoning as the pheromones of the unhealthy construction worker are similar to that of the wealthy stockbroker. Males, under this theory, choose mates to do nothing more than to increase their vested interest in the gene pool. They would “hump anything that moves.” Yet not all prospective female mates are capable of childbearing i.e. the stinky grandma. Something must help humans discriminate between good mates these are our well-developed sight and hearing. So armpit stink does not make people sexy. Minus one point for armpit hair

The New York County Medical Society sheds more light on armpit stank. It states that the sweat emitted from the apocrine gland and another armpit gland, the eccrine gland, are odorless. The unpleasant odor usually associated with underarms comes from surface bacteria. This bacteria breaks down the protein and carbohydrate waste that exists in apocrine sweat. Eccrine sweat, which is 99% water, gives the bacteria a home to grow in and then spreads the odor as it runs over the body. More importantly, the site states that armpit hair is a breeding ground for this bacteria and a pool for apocrine sweat.    

                While not as complex as the rainforest, the forest under my arm, then, is an ecosystem unto itself. I “grow” food for little creatures that gobble it up and reside in an environment I have created for them. If you need to feel like God, then look no farther than your own underarm. That’s why I have decided to keep my forest intact until I feel the need to destroy something. Plus one point for armpit hair.