04-22-03

The Subject of Penguins

Hi Miah, Do penguin's have fur? If so how much fur?

To answer this question, it may be useful to recall some basic biology... (continued)

 04-20-03

EMPTYV TAKES ON
A FILM FESTIVAL!

Jack
Lee
Jessica
The Neighbor

Here's the lowdown:

PMF 5-Minute Film Competition
Saturday, April 26th
at the Madstone Theatre in Albuquerque, NM
at NOON!
Admission is FREE!

For More info
www.pmf5.com
or call 505-301-0295

Everyone Get There Early! It Might Sell Out, Since It's Free.

Please bring all your friends in support of our film. We will try to have some t-shirts printed as giveaways at the festival.

You better show up... Doyle has been a bitch lately and he's ready to kick some ass. He will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep if you don't find your self there. Remember Admission is free!

Written by Jack Hughes
Directed by Dan Gutierrez
Music By John Powell ( www.kimusic.net )

 04-16-03

A Plastic Container Full of Mucus: The Emptyv News Brief

"Oh bloody 'ell!" groaned McCartney before soiling himself in disbelief. His drawers were auctioned off later that day. 

“The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.”
-- Salvador Dali

“Where do I find a CD store around here?” he hollered from his SUV, behind the blackness of his designer ski sunglasses.

“We’re from out of town…” Miah said, bleary, teetering on the curbside. I almost knocked him into the street as I bungled up behind him.

“Just answer the question!”

We both stared blankly back at him. Christ! What the hell do you do with these kind of people? I swiveled around, grabbed Miah’s arm and we started back across the street.

“Answer me!” The man yelled before being honked into moving along. I looked over my shoulder and saw him glaring after us.

Does this kind of thing never end? Only yesterday, a man wearing an Easter bunny costume was clamped in a half nelson and pummeled in the teeth by a complete stranger who ran off laughing.

What’s worse... (continued)

 04-15-03

THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE:MIAH?

Scientists now say the human brain can be divided into 15 separate pieces, breaded, and deep fried for a delicious meal for 2-4 people.

"Dear Miah, Who really is the smartest man alive?"

That depends on your measure of intelligence. MENSA holds that Nikos Ligeros, a math and computer science professor, has the highest IQ ever recorded-189. A 100 IQ score is generally accepted as average, so this man is 89% smarter than most people. The problem with this score, though, is that IQ tests, in general, are not a measure of general intelligence. Rather, they are a measure of one’s scholastic aptitude and test taking abilities. The IQ test shows the value we place in pen and paper schooling.

Another, perhaps more apt, measure from Howard Gardner holds that this logical, mathematical, linguistic intelligence is only two of several different types of intelligence. These other include: (continued)

 04-14-03

Abandon hope all ye who read on

The happy couple

The rain has finished falling and the worms are coming out of the ground. My dear Miss “Anonymous,” it is so good to finally get a reply from one of my devoted fans. First off, next time you write a five-paragraph article about why you like me so much, the least you can do is sign a proper name. Darling, how will I make out our wedding invitations? Your extensive vocabulary at the ripe age of seventeen astounds me. I will answer all of your questions and more in no particular order.

The future is looking brighter already isn’t it? (continued)

 04-11-03

 Doyle Fan Club Letter

A mounted "Doyle"©™ head, good for abuse and dart throwing, now available at "WalMart"

Obviously, you have no life, and with all of the meaningless insight/ bull$h!t that you have stored in that puny little "brain" of yours, I can see why you don't have a lovelife, or a social life, for that matter. I'd be surprised if you have at least one "human" friend, not that little vienna sausage you have stuffed down your pants....(continued)

 04-09-03

 The Big Questions

"Let there be "whopper"!"

Editor's Note: this article is ludicrous. But it's the best Miah can do with a hangover. -Jack

Dear Miah, Why do hotdogs plump, but hamburgers shrink when you cook them?

This is how I see it. A long time ago, God and Satan were friends. They would always hang out, watch football and eat their favorite foods. Satan liked hotdogs. God liked hamburgers. They both liked potato salad. Once, they got into an argument over which was better- hotdogs or hamburgers. It went on for hours each arguing the values of their personal favorite over the other. Finally, they decided to have a cookoff and feed all their friends their prepared food to see which one was better. Satan went first. He added so much fire to his hotdogs that they grew and plumped to an enormous size. The crowd ate them an agreed, these were the best hotdogs they had ever eaten. Then, it was God’s turn. He cooked his hamburgers with just as much fire but he did not let them absorb nearly as much fire. He handed his food out to the crowd and they agreed, these were the best hamburgers they had ever eaten. It was a tie. Neither won. God and Satan agreed to disagree until, of course, much later when they had that ‘falling out.’ But, to this day, hot dogs show Satan’s preference for fire by absorbing it and hamburgers show God’s aversion to it by not absorbing it.  

 04-08-03

 The Second Opinion

Doyle is lovable, huggable, and about the most hated man on the planet.

Dr. Shin, stop the therapy, and the AA meetings and pick that bottle back up. Don’t just stop everything because Betty-spaghetti thinks that she is the judge, jury, and executioner... (continued)

 04-07-03

 My name is Dr. Shin and I'm ...   a Liar.

In a related story, a Fort Collins hotel room was set ablaze, cause undetermined.

Well, I guess nobody noticed the date on that article of mine. It was April the first, also known to some as "April Fools Day".  I never expected anybody to take me seriously. But the thing is, I went to Fort Collins, Colorado on Thursday morning (in the company of Miah and two friends who will remain anonymous) and forgot to tell anyone.

This wasn’t particularly pressing business to me when I woke up on the floor yesterday, underneath a rum-soaked mattress. Through the haze of my hangover I realized it was time to get the hell out of Dodge. We packed up quick and hauled ass, mainly to avoid questions about our drunken racing through the hallways at 2 am and about the potted plant that had been riding up and down in the hotel elevator all night. The room was trashed, the management was unhappy, and there was four days of bad karma to drive away from as quickly as possible.

So now we're back in the Emptyv offices, with my music cranked, which causes nothin' but consternation to miah, who's nursing his hangover in the comfort of his bunk. No offense intended, folks, but the Doc ain't reformin' any time soon. 

 04-02-03

 Glimmers of Hope

"Who will love me now?" -Dr.Shin's last bottle of whiskey.

"I'll hide the real me right up to the point when she begins to really hate me. . .THEN I'll start being real. She won't know what's hit her." -- The little voice inside every man's head

 Constantly I'm being exposed to these little glimmers of hope after I've spent all my time working on becoming a man hating cynic. Is it worth waiting around for a man when that person may only expose that great, worth while side when I've finally been pushed too far? Probably not. That's why I allow myself to fall in love with ONLY the daydream and in reality keep my choice encounters pumping with lust. . . I can appreciate your soul searching with complete entirety. Everything would be so much easier if all you boys would begin practicing this honest behavior ALL THE TIME!                                       ~Betty

 04-01-03

My Name is Dr. Shin, and I'm an alcholic.

Upon reflection, many recent events have shown me that I have problems that are harmfully affecting myself and those around me. I will begin the slow but steady road to recovery from my bad habits now, with the aid of a therapist and by meeting with several groups, including AA. Thank you Betty for your incisive, and thus painfully true, comments and to all the emptyv readers who have voiced their opinions. And to my good friend Miah, who I have mistreated on many occasions but who always stood up for me. I wish you all the best, even Doyle, who's offensive comments obviously are a mask for the pain that he's feeling. There is always hope, my brother.     

~God bless, Dr.----- Shin.

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