"To my Innocent Little Flower..."

The rain has finished falling and the worms are coming out of the ground. My dear Miss “Anonymous,” it is so good to finally get a reply from one of my devoted fans. First off, next time you write a five-paragraph article about why you like me so much, the least you can do is sign a proper name. Darling, how will I make out our wedding invitations? Your extensive vocabulary at the ripe age of seventeen astounds me. I will answer all of your questions and more in no particular order.

Oh where to begin, where to begin. My innocent little flower, you are but a diamond in the rough. I have to ask myself if the fact that you are a seventeen-year-old virgin who has never kissed a boy is by choice. I firmly believe that it is not. I do not mean to be offensive, but I bet you are one of the ugliest wenches alive today. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. If you truly are a virgin, which I highly doubt, then your are the last of an endangered species, or you are a walking gargoyle. C’mon, you have never kissed a boy? Getting paid to give the janitor at your lower class public school a blowjob must count for something. It is ok young one, there are some guys out there who like a lard-ass. They are called convicts and carnies, hobo’s and rapists. The future is looking brighter already isn’t it?

The bachelor’s degree was attained entirely on-line. But you would have known that, seeing as you obviously have read my bio.  A man in a bear suit can have his connections can he not? Now let’s talk about your education level. Seventeen years old, so you probably are a junior or a senior in high school. Either that or you were home schooled which would explain a lot. You must not have learned anything in Anatomy class because what I have in my pants is called a penis, not a Vienna sausage. Vienna sausages come in cans. So unless that was sarcasm on your behalf, which was a futile attempt, then you should go back to your private chat room, and wait to meet captain howdy.

You did not do your Homework because R. Kelly was a pedophile. I, on the other hand am against rapists, pedophiles, and sexual deviants. I am also white. You also did not do your research because my commentaries are opinions. My opinions. I even made fun of myself, and my own opinions in the last article I wrote. I am allowed to voice my opinion thanks to the first amendment of the United States Constitution, much like you are allowed to voice yours. Only, no one cares what you have to say. The world needs to hear what I have to say. You are an insignificant fly, on the horse’s ass, and no, I’m not the ass.

You ask if I am gay, and I will reply with one word. No. My babysitter did not rape me when I was younger because I never said a word to her. I have a feeling that you will be turning sides if you do not experience all that is man sooner or later. Once again, I do not think men will want you. It is a shame really. I am sure you would make a great house-wife. If my articles offend you, then the real world will eat you alive.

In closing, I wish to say thank you for your insightful comments on myself and my writing abilities. You are the first and hopefully not the last to write to me. I just hope between the time you read this, and the time you write a reply (fingers crossed,) you get an email from your hero Justin Timberlake, your new YM magazine comes through the postal system, your drunken father beats you, and you finally get your period.

All my love,

Doyle

"THE SECOND OPINION"

I just finished checking my email at the germ-infested public terminal in the local breeding ground of fatherless babies and teen suicides, the local mall. Not one of you 4138 ungrateful people who have read my articles at emptyv.org has ever written to me. Either this means I have offended some of you, or I have not been truthful enough. I take that back, I did get an email from Dan to tell me to tone down my writing, hence the disclaimer. Thanks Dan, and give me one of those record playing Volkswagen’s while you are at it. The only damn person who has something to say about me is Betty, and she can’t even come up with an insult, let alone a decent article without a dictionary and a thesaurus in front of her. This just in Betty, acting like you have attended English 101, and actually passing it are two different things. Boys don’t want you for your mind. 

Dr. Shin, stop the therapy, and the AA meetings and pick that bottle back up. Don’t just stop everything because Betty-spaghetti thinks that she is the judge, jury, and executioner with a fondness for the F word. Damn man, it is just one person’s opinion! Why do you think the saying “I want a second opinion” was coined? And if you think an emptyv.org readers comments should sway you, think again. Emptyv.org readers are sending in comments? Think about that. Emptyv has probably one of the most jacked up staff’s on the web. Actual people are reading our articles and commenting on them. What does that say about our readers? Holy shit their opinion means about as much as mine. I walk around in a bear suit, and don’t speak. You don’t think people tell me to take it off, or to say something. Peer Pressure is a life ender. Do not let other people tell you what to do. It is your life, not theirs. And if something Betty, Kendra, or Mister “I read emptyv.org” says causes you to rethink your way of life, then my friend you are losing the battle.  

Betty, you have just been suckered into all that is man. On the 25^th of March, you ripped apart the good doctor and called him an “emotional fuck-wit.” Then after an article written less then a week later, of less then 150 words, you say he can “be nice and sincere.” How easy was it to sway you? Obviously your convictions were not set in stone. It is one thing to listen to people and take what you want from what they have to say but it another thing to turn your whole opinion completely around after a simple letter. I am not saying that Dr. Shin is a jerk, and that he duped you; I am just saying that you Betty have no spine. You are supposed to be a woman and I am waiting to hear you roar. All I hear is a whimper, a whine, and the sound of a bra being stuffed.  

03-29-03

Shut Up Fatty!

I’m back losers, and now that I have left the house, the real truth comes out. 

01-22-03

Shut Up Fatty!

What the hell is wrong with Americans? I should not even call us Americans, but McDonalicans. Hell, that is not even accurate. It should be “Fat slobs who eat so much shit they have to use bungee cords for shoelaces.” I am glad I took a vow a silence because if I even spoke to half of you, you would try to eat my words. 

I hear words on television to cover up being fat. I hear chunky, big, plump, rotund, fun, jolly, “spare tire”, thick, and my personal favorite big-boned. Listen people you are not big boned, you just have lots and lots of large chocolate shakes and six-dollar burgers latching onto your bones like remoras on a whale. The only problem is the 20 three-mile-island wings you picked up for brunch don’t live off of you. 

I saw a woman the other day wheel by in one of those gremlins or wolverines or whatever you call it that senior citizens are supposed to use. She must have been 25 years old, and she probably weighed about 200 lbs. There was absolutely no reason for this slob to be riding around in one of those crazy contraptions, while granny Agnes has to use a steel walker to get to and from the pharmacy. I could tell she did not need it because when she dropped her box of Dolly Madison mini-donuts she was mulching down on, she hopped out of her motorized feet faster then an average American on a 99-cent Whopper. 

All I am saying it this. If Jared and Clay Henry can cut down a little weight after wolfing down some 12” subs, then the least you slobs out there could do is take some ripped fuel or something before you biggie size your triple quarter pound burger meal, that or go kill yourselves.

01-02-02

All of the girls on the planet
between the age of 14 and 18
are dumb whores