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Since August 30, 2002 |
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The Month of January back in 2003 |
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01-30-03 |
Bitter Betty |
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so,
i still haven't gotten a response to MY burning questions about men
acting like little boys and the games they torture us with. . . i had
planned on using the response for amunition in a new article. . . instead
though, a charming and fully educational response to someone with an
ultra important hamster question was put higher on the priority list.
also, i've noticed edge has been silent recently. . .i wonder what that
could mean?. . .hmmmmm. maybe his fiance read his article and was forced
to kick his ass. he's recovering still. i have to wonder. . .when do
you suppose edge's next blow job will happen? there was a delightful
addition on the site from doyle about the disease of obesity, but i'm
thinking his passionately ignorant attitude toward our larger
acquaintances must have been drawn from some deep turmoil inside himself
which he wrestles with regularly. . .it some how wouldn't be cool to drag
such a soul (less bastard) through the mud. . .
anyway, my own silence has been due to a sudden gloomy disposition. i
tend to exercise silence when i'm feeling blue. i've been pulling around
my unexpected mood now for a few weeks and i'm really not even sure where
it's come from. although sometimes i think it feels better to allow
yourself to soak in a particular emotion rather than reject it with the
blinding goal of being happy all the time, i can honestly say at this
point (it's now been almost a month) i'm ready to move on. what do i do
to make myself feel better (when sex is not an option)??? if you have
any good ideas, send them to me at
betty@emptyv.org. otherwise, i'll have to seriously reconsider
smashing my car into a wall at a dangerously high speed.
betty |
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01-29-03 |
Bengal
Bathing |
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It
is cold. That is my first thought as my head ducks under the waters of
the Bay of Bengal. And blue. I open my eyes and the water is such a deep,
rich blue that I can barely see my hand, waving less than six inches from
my face. I hold my breath for as long as possible before surfacing. As
cold as the water is, the crisp January wind is more so. My towel does
little to hold it off and I retreat to a small copse of trees and take a
seat on some steps overlooking the quiet calm of the Bay of Bengal.
“How
does it feel to bathe in water birthed from a god’s
feet?”
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01-26-03 |
The
Question of Hamsters |
hamsters: cute, fuzzy, and... deadly?
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Dear Miah,
Where do hamsters come from? Is there a
place they run wild? They are cute, fuzzy and $6.00. Where can I find
them in their natural habitat?
Sincerely,
Dan.
Wild
hamsters are found on three continents...
(cont.)
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01-22-03 |
Hey
Fat Ass!! |
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What
the hell is wrong with Americans? I should not even call us Americans,
but McDonalicans. Hell, that is not even accurate. It should be “Fat
slobs who eat so much shit they have to use bungee cords for
shoelaces.” I am glad I took a vow a silence because if I even spoke to
half of you, you would try to eat my words...
(cont.)
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01-21-03 |
We need cash! |
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We are broke... Yup, you've heard us
bitching.
Now we're trying to sell stuff to get the cash we need for our next
picture. Here is item one!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3005555312
A favorite amongst my DJ friends. Maybe yours too!
This is a pimpin' lil VW Van that actually drives across the top of your
vinyl and actually plays it.
No, it actually freakin' drives across the top of your vinyl and plays
the music through the lil' speaker in the roof!
I love these things.
These are really hard to find... but I got a blue one right here!
You see the blue one? We have one exactly like that one just for you! (cont.)
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01-19-03 |
Love
and Pastry in Vishnupur |
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The Bengali Pastry Shop and
Snack Bar...
“I have run the business
for ten years now, taking over after my father and his father before him
and his father before him, and I reserve the right to refuse service to
anybody! Anybody!” Tuva pounds his chest proudly...
(cont.)
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01-17-03 |
Does
Miah Work? |
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Dear Miah,
I don't know what to ask you!... Do you really
work?
Sincerely, N/A
That depends on how you define work....
(cont.)
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01-16-03 |
Dr.Shin,
back on the beat |
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Shaking off the last of the alcohol
tremors and wiping the dried vomit crust from my lip, I dragged myself from the
greasy flophouse bunk and pulled on my beat old cowboy boots. After a horrendous
drinking binge that started somewhere on new years eve and had ended,
along with all available moneys, sometime in the last few days with a bad
bottle of bathtub gin and an overdose of nighttime "Nyquil", I
was ready to get back to work. All I had in my pocket was a handful of
scrabble pieces so I won a few bucks on the street with Three Card Monte
and used it to get a cab to the local Emptyv office. I quickly discovered
that the place was full of new kids, that nobody knew who I was, that my
credit was shot, and that, worst of all, the office mini-bar was missing.
I was informed that I had in fact stolen it myself two weeks ago and that
it had turned up later hooked onto a gargoyle of the Chrysler building,
emptied except for a stuffed lama wearing a dress. I took evasive action
and stole the week's payroll. After a quick shower and a shave, wearing a
new black suit, I lit up a filterless lucky strike and got back to where
I was born to go: on the trail of the Big Story...
Dr. Shin is back at the News Desk.
Send him crazy new items or current event questions at DrShin@empty.org.
Or go to hell.
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01-15-03 |
Mocking
the Unenlightened |
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“And I don’t want
to see you ever again!” Rashna Krimpur presses the off button on his
Motorola cell phone with Sprint service and mutters something about the
difficulties managing a home business while being enlightened. “I have
reached Nirvana, “he says, “but am only able to increase my client
base 3% annually. It ain’t right..."
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01-12-03 |
Dave The Movie Reviewer! |
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We have a new staff member named Dave who is working at a small local
newspaper. He does the Movie review column. He will be sending us his
movie reviews.
About Schmidt Review
Review by David Valdez
Jack Nicholson is a Hollywood brand name...(cont.)
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01-11-03 |
Get
More Sun! |
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Dear
Miah,
What causes people to
get depressed when there is nothing really to be sad about?
Sincerely, Dave
Miah says... |
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01-10-03 |
A Concerned Reader |
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hi. I'm a regular visitor to emptyv.org
and i had wanted to submit a question for Miah in the "Ask Miah" box, but
it kept sending me an error message. I couldn't find an e-mail address
that went directly to Miah, the smartest man alive, so I'm hoping if I
send my text to anyone on the page who's address was readily available,
you can get the message to him?
I’m hoping you
might be able to fill me in on something...
Betty |
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01-09-03 |
M.I.A NO MORE! |
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I
know it's been said a thousand times, but let me re-iterate:
DON'T TRUST WOMEN
I had a decent life.
I'm 23 years old, a decent looking guy, fairly well liked by most that
meet me.
Click here for the rest of the story... |
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01-08-03 |
FDNY
Vs. DKNY |
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I
am going to rip off the late, great Chris Farley here, so I
apologize in advance. Just imagine I am making quotation marks with my
hands and emphasizing the words by elevating my voice. Here goes. I may
not present “valid arguments.” I might not know “all the facts.”
Hell, I might not ever have been part of a “debate team.” But, I do
have an opinion... |
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01-06-03 |
Fun
with Beans |
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Dear Miah,
I
was at the supermarket the other day when I noticed one of the cans of
refried beans I was looking to purchase held on it's label a "call
out" if you will, that stated "98% Fat free." I checked on
the back of the label and it stated that there was still 2.5 grams of fat
left in the can, which was one serving. My question is this, Why is 98%
of the fat free, and 2% a whopping 1.17$ You mean to tell me the can of
beans with none of the fat free is 68.45$ This is rural road robbery!
Sincerely,
Darious Griego
Ignorant Darious, let
me help you... |
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01-05-03 |
Cameron Resigns, Nation
Mourns |
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dan:
what's up. my article was on for a day. "Dreamy innocence" ?
I think my views and opinions and theories are far from dreamy and
innocent.
anyway, here's the deal, I am officially "resigning" from
emptyv.org.
I dig the site a lot, but I feel that it isn't where my writing should
be. I like having control of my views (etc.)
I will still be writing, and I hope you still would like to show my
stuff, so here is the link to my new site that shows my views (etc)
Please feel free to link it on your site and keep me an indirect part if you would like.
of course you and whoever can say what you would like about me and my
opinions, that's freedom. That's what our sites are all about. but i
would like to have portrayed what i intend. not what you guys
label.
so here's my site:
link it if you want!
http://www.dvdaydream.com/the_diagram.htm
later
-cameron |
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01-04-03 |
The
Male Virginity Test |
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Dear Miah, How can a guy tell if he has lost his
virginity? I was at a party and drunk off of my ass and some chick was
all over me. I think I passed out... I can't tell if I layed her or not.
Can you help?
Sincerely,
Layed up
There
is a simple way, created by me and endorsed by the American Medical
Association, or the AMA. Now, follow these
simple steps....
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01-03-02 |
Welcome
to the Emptyv Generation |
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update 1-07 |
edge exists! he emailed me and he has
sent me a new article please return tomorrow for the new article... dan. |
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Well, it's a new year, and there are
some major changes at emptyv.org, starting now. First, we have the
official staff lineup, with some new faces. Here's how it's going down:
Dan-still
editor in chief, soon to begin a vicious political career that you can
read about here.
Miah-still the
smartest Man Alive. He answers any and all questions and has a brain so
large that he requires a neck brace to ensure that it's weight doesn't
snap his spine.
Dr. Shin-still
a horrible drunk. We're trying to focus his debauchery into useful
directions... but it's not working.
Cameron-still
here to fill you in on what he's thinking. his dreamy innocence is an
attempt to balance the next guy.
Doyle-one of
the new guys, a retarded red-headed step child of Rush Limbaugh and
Charles Manson, Doyle forced us to put his stupid articles on by sheer
force of persistence. And for those of you who will hate him (basically
anyone who reads what he writes) I want to say now that IT WASN'T MY
FUCKIN' IDEA!
Masimune- Another of the new breed,
this young wanderer sends in reports from around the world and sends us
the bills.
Jack-that's
me. Dan hired me to help and get this hellhole organized, but that job
is, I have discovered, impossible. I'll be serving as editor and occasional
writer in between recording the new Convulsor5 album.
You! -
that's right, you. Anything and everything you want to say can be seen
around the world on this site! Stupid pictures? Unfounded opinions? Hate
mail for Doyle or Dr. Shin? Send it in (to Dan or myself or heck, all of
the above people have e-mails!). We'll keep you posted...
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01-02-03 |
All of the girls on the planet
between the age of 14 and 18
are dumb whores |
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I am going to go on
a long, thin limb here, and say that all of the girls on the planet
between the age of 14 and 18 are dumb whores.
Here is why...
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