The Month of March back in 2003

 03-29-03

Doyle: Out of the House

Unable to find another interested 6 foot red bird, "Pokey" settles for the company of two middle aged pirates. "Walk my plank, matey!"

It’s cold outside. Not the temperature, but the people. I have not left in as far back as I can remember, but I wish I had never left at all. It is strange to see people walk by with Mohawks, or hundreds of piercings in their face and get no second glance. Yet, when someone asks if I am lost, and I do not reply, I get looked at as if I am the only walking leper left on the face of the planet. I guess a mute in a bear suit gets no respect. It is time to talk about things I have seen on the outside. I have a feeling my opinion still counts. Lesbian’s and gays: Homosexuals. You are not born homosexual. I want to say that I have nothing against anyone who chooses to advance in a relationship with a member of the same sex. We are America, the land of the free. I just think that Gays and lesbians are quitters. I am sorry ladies, but if you go out to a bar, and no guy hits on you, that is not excuse to give up. If no one answers your yahoo classified ad because you did or did not show your picture, too bad. The late Aliyah sang, "If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again." For god sakes it took Rocky till the second movie to win the championship (cont.). 

 03-27-03

Dr.Shin = stupid-head.

"So, taking this laywoman’s opinion as gospel, I proceeded with a close self-exam." --Dr. Shin. . 

If the good doctor has placed the standard of emotional maturity in the hands of emoclear.com's Kendra, he's only proven even more inevitably that he himself is an emotional fuck wit, right along with Edge and Doyle. I visited the site after reading Dr. Shin's response to my article about Miah's return (Again, welcome home, Miah!) and was pleased to find that his maturity guru had much more to say about the maturely enhanced than he was willing to share with all of us. First, I would like to point out the crystal clear vision Shin has given us regarding his own obsession with booze and drugs. He even uses his addictions as proof that he has some "emotional maturity."  (cont.)

 03-25-03

Dr.Shin = mature, stupid-head.

A while ago “Betty” wrote an article in praise of that freakshow brainbox Miah. In that letter she referred to several other emptyv employees (Doyle, Edge, and… me) as “emotional delinquents”. Emotional delinquents? Well, Doyle ain’t never left his damn house, so I’ll go with you on that one. Edge is getting married-need I say more? But Me? My dear lady, the doctor is anything but. And I’ll show you how.

In the grand tradition, I did a little research as to “The most outstanding signs of emotional maturity”.  According to “Kendra” on emoclear.com, they are as follows:
”…being able to accept, having empathy, being able to let go, and being honest with yourself and others. Also being able to commit and follow through and listen to others. Being able to love in an un-needy way. Those are tell-tale signs.”

So, taking this laywoman’s opinion as gospel, I proceeded with a close self-exam...

03-23-03

Testy Testies

Miah's laboratory tests conclude that "no name given" can't spell worth $h!t.

Hello reader,

I am supposed to answer these questions as part of my therapy. By doing this I will- hopefully- fall back into the pattern of my old life. Dr. Shin sleeps in the bunk below me here at the emptyv offices. Every time I wake up screaming he kicks my thin mattress with those damned cowboy boots. My back is one large bruise. Pray for me. Here goes. 

Dear Miah,

I am having alot of trouble in my "sex" life, when i was 3 i had a hurnia and lost my left testical. My girlfreind says she loves the fact i olny have one but when i walk down the sidewalk and anywere else i can feel myself leaning to the right side "that is the side of my one remaining testical" i was wondering if there is anything you can suggest about this matter. Any help at all will be much appreciated 
Sincerely, no name given

Hmmm. I don’t understand. You say you have trouble with your sex life but then you say your girlfriend loves the fact that you only have one testicle (note the spelling here, my friend) It does not seem like there is a problem with your sex life and, if there is, you failed to mention one. So, I will assume you mean the leaning problem you have when you walk, “that is the side of {your} one remaining testical.”

(In future letters, please avoid the totally arbitrary use of quotations, please). Anyway, I can see a few reasons you walk the way you do. 1) Your remaining testicle is such a burden that you are forced to lean in its direction. In this case, I would ask you to consider if you wish to have children in the future. If not, removal may be the way to go. If you want to have children, perhaps you should invest in some particularly supportive underpants. 2) You understand the value of that one remaining “testical,” at least at a sub-conscious level. It is the only chance you have to reproduce so you walk in a protective manner, ready for any danger that may come your way. So, be aware of your surroundings but there is no real reason to fear an attack on your remaining testicle. Testicle loss from an rabid squirrel is fairly uncommon. Hamsters, on the other hand…… 

 03-21-03

Thank God!

"A real jackass? Do you really think so?" -an insecure Saddam after reading Betty's article Sunday.

 03-17-03

"Terror All Around It's Teeth..."

I remember…

                I once claimed to be the “Smartest Man Alive.” I could not have been more wrong. Any person who dares climb a mountain in the company of a violent drunk and a guide who suffered from both auditory and visual hallucinations, cannot claim even a modicum of intelligence. 

At first, I was thankful for the snowstorm for the heated argument between Dr. Shin and our guide on the numbing capabilities of various forms of alcohol was mostly lost in the howl of the wind... (cont.)

 03-13-03

World's Smartest Man
Found Alive!

Miah: unable to taste lemon. 

03-08-03

News Bulletin- Burning Death
Comes For You

Death, "The Grim Reaper", shown here with 3rd place ribbon in front of potted plant.

This just in: A recent University study shows that up to 96 percent of currently living Americans will suffer from what scientists are calling the death syndrome within the next 100 to 150 years. 

"It's everywhere and someone you may know might already be carrying it." says Dr. Richard Ridley of the Wisconsin school of medicine, adding "there are some who say it comes for us all, but I'm optimistic about our current research"

This condition apparently runs in families, with instances going back generations.  If you are unsure whether or not you are dead ask yourself whether you have difficulty performing such physically demanding tasks as breathing, blinking, or logging on to emptyv.org. If this is the case, you may want to consult a qualified physician for immediate care. 

03-04-03

Name this Rabbit!

Emptyv.org has a new mascot/logo. He is a dumpy little rabbit who smokes and gets pissed off. But before he can delight children around the world, he needs a name. And, as Emptyv's first ever contest, we want you to name him. You will win a prize if your name is chosen! So send the rabbit name, your name, and an e-mail address to us here.

Stay tuned for the ongoing saga of "Where is the World's Smartest Man?"

03-02-03

Nothin' can kill me, bitch

miah is still missing

balloon artist's rendition
of the mountain beast we encountered

In any case, I'm bunking here at the temp. offices of emptyv, in a hammock over the rabbit cages. The only thing worse than the smell of rabbit shit is the fact that the wretched beasts seem to be raping each other nonstop. God bless America!

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